11 September 2012

Suicide Prevention Day and thoughts.

So, that's what the day is today. I'm with Jenny Lawson when she just puts it out there, "Talking about suicide makes me think suicidal thoughts, which is probably one of the stupidest triggers in the history of the world." Get out of my head, please. Or wait, stick around, I feel alright when I resonate with the thoughts you share. And holy fuck do you ever leave me laughing my ass off.

I was trying to make my blog like super awesome. I can't do it. I just pick the templates and think I can be all creative and I think I've got it all figured out when really the hover colour ends up being so friggen bright you can't tell what the hell it says and the date and time end up a gross pink/purple colour. I spent about 45 minutes trying to figure it out and honestly, I had to go back in and just pick a basic theme and leave it as is already established colour and picture wise. I had this awesome Buddha face statue thing, but couldn't make it work. Maybe I should read those mailings out I get from Google Blogger. Something about $150.00 towards something. I just figure it's some kind of weird way of getting me to spend a lot of money. Oh well, that's what the template palate is for.

Suicide Prevention Day.

"But for today let’s talk about the positives.  Let’s talk about why we’re still here.  Let’s talk about the words that help us get through.  Let’s talk about the pictures and places and songs that saved us, because maybe they can save others." - www.thebloggess.com challenge.

Maybe I should have recorded my thoughts in the comments section. Maybe I'll just go back and answer there too. I thought this was a really cool challenge idea. We get to all share the goodness in our lives when it seemed like life wasn't as awesome as I thought it would.

First inquiry: "Let's talk about why we're still here." Love. Love is why I'm still here. Love is why I'm happy I'm still here. I must have had the hope that I would find it for myself eventually one day. It took some time I'll tell you what - but it has and my life is awesome. I feel all weird typing that out - should I? Maybe it's vulnerability. Maybe that's the feeling.

Second: "Let's talk about the words that help us get through." Honestly? Mine used to be, 'and this too shall pass'. Now the first thing I try to do is be curious when I'm feeling shitty. I think about the connections and the triggers and the interesting body complaints surfacing at nearly the same time - hmm...I know what I mean but I can't seem to express it properly. So, after I did the personal work stuff at Haven I have been learning more and more about Zen Buddhism - Brad Warner mostly. Soto. I've gotten a couple of other books that I hope to explore more fully when I decide to take the time to read them - the one in particular is Shobogenzo by Dogen. All introduced to me by Brad.

Third, Forth, and Fifth: "...pictures and places and songs that saved us...". Where do I start. I know I had two pictures of topless men holding onto babies. Funny thing about these pictures? I tried to use them to give teeth to my straightness, rather, internalized homophobia. I had them because they were hot. I did fucking not. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. I guess it took some psychology classes though. haha. Best part about growing up and forgiving the past? I realized I was wrong. Love was there all along. I just didn't recognize it. YUKON. Yukon saved me big time. Big time. Being up here in the middle of the woods has been fantastic for my body and soul and spirit and all that energy stuff. All of it. I love walking outside and seeing the natural world save paved roads and electric poles, the houses and signs along the way. Looking above all that I see the mountains, the trees, the lake, the river, the weeds, and sometimes wildlife. I have a part in it all - we all do and it's amazing. The system up here is pretty neat to blend in with. I like it. The songs are vital - the first times I really felt sad and all that - Sarah McLachlan.

And then I got a little bit older and picked this one to listen on repeat by her:

And then I found Ani Difranco because she was totally out as bi and her music is just awesome...and she's totally hot.

Ani was around for quite some time. I still listen to Sarah and smile. I finally came out and accepted it all. Now I know I'm depressed when I'm syncing Joy Division (Ian Curtis, not New Order) on my phone and iPad. Now when I'm happy I like to listen to poppy, indie music. There are so many. Right now I'm nearing the last quarter of my obsession with the album Some Nights by the band who's name is fun.. You include that period on the end. That's not just the end of the sentence. I suppose I should go back now and put a second period there so you know and now you know that I didn't make a mistake there...there might be other mistakes grammatically - okay so not might there are many errors up there...just not that specific one.

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