28 December 2011

ode to time, Zazen, and children's novels past

I'm going to start sitting again. I haven't done so in a very long time. I suppose time is relative, right? I mean really...a very long time to me is being counted as about three months. Is that a long time? Can I even calculate this time of not sitting in the same way I would count not drinking booze? smoking pot? watching television? maintaining a proper diet? reading? studying? working? They all seem to have their own apparent lapse. Okay, I don't know if I'm making sense to anyone else but myself right now. lol - what is right now? Your 'right now' I figure.
Here I lay me down to rest. It is time for bed and I have this thought to write another blog post regarding my not sitting. I could just type that I don't need to sit and don't need to explain why and that's totally zen. I'd be lying though. I'm pretty sure that's one of the precepts. I shouldn't lie.
Time - I haven't gone to the gym in about 10 days. That feels like a long time. It feels like a long time because I'm all paranoid I'll fall back to my unhealthy ways. I've decided to take a break until after New Year's (this one silly). I'm still paying attention to what I eat and I did go for a five kilometer walk today. I was baking in the sun in Los Cabos, swimming (more like marinating), walking the beach, and eating pretty well considering it was mostly buffet style. I did make sure to eat lots of fruits and veggies. So - 10 days of not going to the gym is more than not just hitting the weights or the treadmill. It's about feeling this anxiety and fear that I will gain back the weight I shed and not be able to fit into the new clothes that I've purchased or wear the old clothes that feel like new again, again. That must compound the time lapse. I figure I think about it more and therefore each moment I spend pondering adds up to more than let's say when I think about how long it has been since I've smoked pot. I don't think about it nearly every hour of the day. I hardly think about it at all. So the time spent thinking about how often one is doing or not doing something is the entirety of the time lapse. Maybe that's how time works? Maybe. Things seem to go by slowly when you think about it all the time. Like when I was a kid thinking about my birthday coming up or Christmas or other exciting things in my life as a child. I would focus on it and stim about it and not be able to wait for that special thing to come around...like scholastic book day. I loved that day - the books would show up and we would get our orders. I loved getting the book order. That was such a great thing. I was pretty blessed my parents were able to afford it. I remember carefully selecting titles and filling out the important information and carefully carrying the sealed envelop with the cheque inside directly to my teacher. I wonder if they still do that program in schools?
I've just spent the better part of 20 minutes trying to find this book I ordered or was able to find at the big sale when Scholastic set up in the movie room of the Jr. School. It was called "The Island" or something like that. I can't find it for anything. It is about this girl who is visiting family or she's gone with her parents to the lake and there is this little island that a boy lives on and she and he spend all their time together just playing and having fun...he doesn't have parents. I can't remember it all. I just know I loved that book. I lent it out to a not very trustworthy friend in high school and I never got it back.
There just spent another 10 searching. What I did find:
1. Ramona books. I heart Ramona. I would like to read them all again
2. The BFG by Roald Dahl. I just finished reading this on Xmas day for the first time in YEARS. Maybe 28 or something like that. I loved that book and I love it again. I was thinking about why it is I loved it so much. I think I might have imagined my grandpa being the BFG. He was/is pretty tall and he can wiggle his ears.

3. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. So funny! I remember laughing out loud reading that book.

4. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and the other Super Fudge books. I enjoyed that one too. I'm pretty sure I read everything Judy Blume wrote.

and last but not least...
5. PIPPI LONGSTOCKING! Astrid Lindgren is my hero.


So - time. Time well wasted remembering the past. Remembering what I loved about childhood instead of focusing on what I had difficulty with. That is time well spent. I could have zazen'd away the time, but I've quite enjoyed the trip back.
I might sit tomorrow, I might not. We shall see when tomorrow comes...or is that another post? This moment is the only one I have. If I choose to sit I have done so. If I do not, I have not. It's as easy as that. It really is.
Thanks Vanessa for planting the zen seed once again with your Facebook update.

(just found out that FaceBook is in the dictionary used by my mac).

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