28 December 2011

ode to time, Zazen, and children's novels past

I'm going to start sitting again. I haven't done so in a very long time. I suppose time is relative, right? I mean really...a very long time to me is being counted as about three months. Is that a long time? Can I even calculate this time of not sitting in the same way I would count not drinking booze? smoking pot? watching television? maintaining a proper diet? reading? studying? working? They all seem to have their own apparent lapse. Okay, I don't know if I'm making sense to anyone else but myself right now. lol - what is right now? Your 'right now' I figure.
Here I lay me down to rest. It is time for bed and I have this thought to write another blog post regarding my not sitting. I could just type that I don't need to sit and don't need to explain why and that's totally zen. I'd be lying though. I'm pretty sure that's one of the precepts. I shouldn't lie.
Time - I haven't gone to the gym in about 10 days. That feels like a long time. It feels like a long time because I'm all paranoid I'll fall back to my unhealthy ways. I've decided to take a break until after New Year's (this one silly). I'm still paying attention to what I eat and I did go for a five kilometer walk today. I was baking in the sun in Los Cabos, swimming (more like marinating), walking the beach, and eating pretty well considering it was mostly buffet style. I did make sure to eat lots of fruits and veggies. So - 10 days of not going to the gym is more than not just hitting the weights or the treadmill. It's about feeling this anxiety and fear that I will gain back the weight I shed and not be able to fit into the new clothes that I've purchased or wear the old clothes that feel like new again, again. That must compound the time lapse. I figure I think about it more and therefore each moment I spend pondering adds up to more than let's say when I think about how long it has been since I've smoked pot. I don't think about it nearly every hour of the day. I hardly think about it at all. So the time spent thinking about how often one is doing or not doing something is the entirety of the time lapse. Maybe that's how time works? Maybe. Things seem to go by slowly when you think about it all the time. Like when I was a kid thinking about my birthday coming up or Christmas or other exciting things in my life as a child. I would focus on it and stim about it and not be able to wait for that special thing to come around...like scholastic book day. I loved that day - the books would show up and we would get our orders. I loved getting the book order. That was such a great thing. I was pretty blessed my parents were able to afford it. I remember carefully selecting titles and filling out the important information and carefully carrying the sealed envelop with the cheque inside directly to my teacher. I wonder if they still do that program in schools?
I've just spent the better part of 20 minutes trying to find this book I ordered or was able to find at the big sale when Scholastic set up in the movie room of the Jr. School. It was called "The Island" or something like that. I can't find it for anything. It is about this girl who is visiting family or she's gone with her parents to the lake and there is this little island that a boy lives on and she and he spend all their time together just playing and having fun...he doesn't have parents. I can't remember it all. I just know I loved that book. I lent it out to a not very trustworthy friend in high school and I never got it back.
There just spent another 10 searching. What I did find:
1. Ramona books. I heart Ramona. I would like to read them all again
2. The BFG by Roald Dahl. I just finished reading this on Xmas day for the first time in YEARS. Maybe 28 or something like that. I loved that book and I love it again. I was thinking about why it is I loved it so much. I think I might have imagined my grandpa being the BFG. He was/is pretty tall and he can wiggle his ears.

3. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. So funny! I remember laughing out loud reading that book.

4. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing and the other Super Fudge books. I enjoyed that one too. I'm pretty sure I read everything Judy Blume wrote.

and last but not least...
5. PIPPI LONGSTOCKING! Astrid Lindgren is my hero.


So - time. Time well wasted remembering the past. Remembering what I loved about childhood instead of focusing on what I had difficulty with. That is time well spent. I could have zazen'd away the time, but I've quite enjoyed the trip back.
I might sit tomorrow, I might not. We shall see when tomorrow comes...or is that another post? This moment is the only one I have. If I choose to sit I have done so. If I do not, I have not. It's as easy as that. It really is.
Thanks Vanessa for planting the zen seed once again with your Facebook update.

(just found out that FaceBook is in the dictionary used by my mac).

26 December 2011

Survivor 23 - FINALE! Better late than never...

Well, what can I say...we were in Cabo San Lucas (San Jose del Cabo to be exact) when the finale was on. So, I'm going to ask a bit of forgiveness for the late-late-lateness of the finale recap.

Xmas Eve in Cabo we released sea turtles into the Sea of Cortez

I'm going to guess the winner in this moment...I haven't read anything regarding the winner...I'm going to say - Ozzy. It burns my ass to type that out, but honestly, if he gets to the final, he's going to win. He's been able to "wine and dine" each member of the jury as they reached Redemption (Sophie said that). I mean, I really don't want him to win, but if he gets back into the game and wins immunity while there, he's going to win the entire game. If he doesn't - I'm going to guess Coach. I'm okay with Coach winning the game. I would much prefer Sophie win overall (she's my person for the work pool). Albert doesn't deserve it at all...he comes up with these game changing plans and never follows through. Sophie maintained the status quo, but at least she kept going with what she should be doing. I hope she kicks Ozzy's butt and wins immunity and he goes home.

UtOh! We might have missed some of the Survivor show! The one where we end up getting to the final three. We'll see what goes down. Rick - not too sure what he would win on. What did he do this entire game but vote party line?

So, we're getting the recap - boring...boring...boring.

Forgot about Coach's "christian man" irrevocable promise to Ozzy to bring him final three. Albert made a douche bag move and didn't give Brandon the necklace back and Brandon got sent to Redemption. Forgot about that too.

Let's see what Brandon can do to get Ozzy out. Please do it Brandon.

Coach doesn't want to be made a fool of out here in Survivor - not this time. He's sick and tired of being lied to by Albert. Albert flat out said that he didn't think Brandon was going home today. Liar. He knew. He knew.

Ozzy bores me. I don't even want to type out what he says. He's annoying. He's comparable to Boston Rob. If Ozzy wins - they might as well have replayed last season.

We arrive at the dual. Awesome. They hold onto a pole for as long as they can. Could they have picked a more ridiculous challenge? Could they have geared this challenge more for Ozzy? That's all they did. They set it up for Ozzy to win. They bloody-well set it up. I hate this game. They should lay out, on line, the duals one by one before they happen. Like, at the beginning of the season they can say: Here are the duals for Redemption Island, 1, 2, 3...and then I wouldn't suspect any funny business. I can't be the only one. Forty minutes and Brandon is still up there. Awesome. Bullshit challenge for this dual. Bullshit I call bullshit. Not necessary, but I'll tell you - Ozzy won. Baby Hantz is going home. At some point this season he gained his own name. I think they finally decided that he deserved to be called by his first name and let go of the Russell connection.

Albert's going to have another chance at a game changing move. He could woo Ozzy. Oops, I was mistaken, when they interviewed him right after Ozzy came back he figured they all four will be voting for Ozzy for him to go home (Coach, Rick, Sophie, Albert). Coach took Ozzy aside and told him that he was going to save him. "I feel like you deserve to be in this game," Coach. What the fuck for? Because he's played before? Because he's had multiple chances to win? How is that fair? How? They should get rid of his ass after they punt Ozzy. Or maybe they should get Coach off first. I'm tired of seeing previous Survivors win this game. They had their shot. Let's get back to the old days when we got to meet new people playing this game. Why always "allstars"?

Balance and make a card house as challenge. Whoopi. These challenges might as well be taken from a hat labeled, "Challenges Ozzy can win". Sweet - Sophie has a book about how to make card houses. I hope she wins. Sophie ran out of tiles before she hit the win line. Coach's stack fell, Ozzy is in the lead, and Sophie had to change her strategy (she ran out of cards!). Thankfully, Ozzy ran out of pieces too. WHOA! Sophie is swearing at Albert to help her win. Then out of nowhere! NOWHERE, Jeff says that you can't help each other and it's an 'individual game' now. Sophie got too emotional about the game and now she's not going to win at all. It's going to be Ozzy. Ozzy or Coach.

I hate this game. It sucks this year. Totally fixed for Ozzy to have some crazy come back win. They did the same shit with Boston Rob.

Honestly, I don't even care if the end of it didn't record and I don't see who wins this game.

Coach, "Rick's got the best chance to win this game right now." Whatever. Unless they aren't showing us anything at all. Apparently he tells good stories. He's a hard worker and everyone loves him. Ozzy's trying to talk about Sophie going home. He's talking to Albert and he's the easiest person to sway period. Albert needs to go next, but everyone should want to take him to the end considering he's got zero chance. Now Rick wants to get rid of Sophie. Coach said, "I'd vote for Sophie." Rick asks, "Would you vote for me." Coach, "No." Liar. Albert needs to blow that information out there - Ozzy just told him that Coach gave him his word that he would take Ozzy to the finals. I think my character might be going home.

Jeff just asked Coach about why they should get rid of Ozzy. He skirted around the answer and then Ozzy told everyone that Coach said he was going to take him to the final three. Ozzy's a jerk. He made my person cry. He said she was a spoiled brat and that everyone felt that way about her. Ozzy's a douche bag and I don't care. He can be out there and shine as a jerk and make people cry he can handle this random stranger's opinion of him. Should you win Ozzy - you won because the TV executives need to bring up the ratings. Dink.

So, during the end of Tribal Counsel Sophie had a breakdown because she was really hurt by what Ozzy said about her. She was mostly hurt that he said everyone called her down and said she was spoiled. She cried and wished she didn't give off that impression of herself. She realized that what she once thought was a strength might be a weakness. She is brash and hard to get to know.

I wish Coach would have given his idol to Sophie.

WAHOOOOOOOhhhoooooo! Sophie has remainded in the game. Rick got voted out because Coach changed his mind. Nice try Coach. Trying to shake Rick's hand like he's a child or something. "Oh, I'm so sorry I voted you out." I imagine that's what Coach would say. I hope you beat Ozzy's ass Sophie! Win immunity so Ozzy goes home.

Hahahaha, maybe Coach will change his mind about taking Ozzy to the final. Tehee. I hope he doesn't win and Coach can change his mind about taking him to the end. Coach did ask Ozzy to not say anything about the plan. Ozzy just tried to burn him out there so that his tribe would go against him. Come on Coach, this is your chance to not take him to the end and win the game with people who deserve it at the end. Take Sophie and Albert. That would be fantastic. Coach might still win, but he would have shown that he remained loyal to the two people he had the closest relationships with. So, now Ozzy and Coach might make this a tie between Albert and Sophie. They're acting like A and S aren't even in contention to win. Fuck those two guys...I hope Sophie wins so bad.

Hasn't Ozzy been known for winning puzzle challenges? Guess he's just all around good at challenges.

Here's the LAST immunity challenge ever. They have to trapse through five different obstacles and collect five bags with puzzle pieces. Albert and Ozzy have two back. Sophie is getting tired. Ozzy back with three. Now he's back with four. Sophie has two finally. Coach has three and Sophie too. Albert with three. Ozzy has five and can work on the puzzle. Albert has four back. Coach back with five and can start on the puzzle and now Sophie. Please win Sophie. "Don't panic," Jeff...nice, solid advise. Sophie has her first piece and Ozzy is trying to cheat. Sophie has two and now three. There are eight total to get in. Ozzy has two pieces, now three. Sophie with four and now five. Why can OZZY cheat! Why aren't you calling him on it. Sophie has 7 and SHE WON! FUCK YA! I love this game all over again! Fuck you Ozzy. I mean that with all due respect.

Sophie just went back to camp and then talked about how she was surprised how easy it really was once she got the first piece. This is so sweet.

Ozzy is working Coach. He wants Coach to vote Albert out so that they can build a fire together. If Ozzy makes it to the final - he's going to win. I would vote for him just because Coach is such a dumb ass for taking him to final three. They are acting as if Sophie has no chance in this game at all. If they all go I hope Sophie is able to show that she played against two historical figures in this game of Survivor and beat them all in the end.

Three times each - Coach and Ozzy have had the chance to win. I hope neither one of them wins. Neither one. They are no more deserving than any of the others. Perhaps they are less than deserving. Coach about Ozzy on Redemption, "Coming back is almost impossible." There is at least one person coming back from Redemption. Someone would have come back. That's the point. Just because Ozzy won so many in a row doesn't mean he's more of a warrior. I think he played well, but I don't believe it makes him the better person. I hope Coach votes party line. I hope he sticks with Albert and Sophie. It's his best chance to win. OZZY IS GOING HOME. Hells ya. I love this game. I am again a fan. He did have the best exit - I'll give him that.

Sophie - She slayed the Dragon! 
Oh dear...Coach or Sophie could win this. I don't think Albert has a chance, but I think they will all get a vote from someone on the jury. Coach made the right decision. The LOML will never watch Survivor again if Albert wins this.

Sophie is working on figuring out her emotional game. She wants to ensure she maintains her composure. She's going in logically and not emotionally. Albert is pretty sure he's played the best game of the three remaining. He wants to be sharper and more on his heels, not on his toes. Something like that. Coach thinks he's like the phoenix rising from the ashes of the dragon that went into the fire. Who will win? I'll be okay if Coach wins, but I'll be even more okay if Sophie wins. Coach kept his team fully together through to the end. He was a great leader and 'coach'.

Albert's last statement - "this is a social experiment...it's not about chess, it's about people..." he brought in God and how thankful he is for this opportunity.
Sophie - it's about outplaying and she held her own...she won three individual immunity...she did well for alliances...her strategy was to follow the alliance...she realized that her social game wasn't as strong as it could have been.
Coach - Redemption was built for Ozzy. He's talking about his past games. He lead with compassion, appreciation, and respect. He recognized he was a leader. He worked with everyone around him and he was happy to have been replenished 10 fold by opening up to others and sharing personally in the game.

Coach wins for the statement. Sophie comes in second for breaking down her game and strategy. Albert didn't even make the top three for me.

Now to the jury questions/statement/whining:
Ozzy - First he said that NO one wanted to vote for any of them. He was all cute with his Pippy Longstocking braids. He proceeded to slam Sophie and called her down and try to make her feel like shit. He felt that Albert didn't do anything to get there. He thought that Coach didn't deserve it because he didn't take him to the end. Ozzy is just a douche bag. Coach played with the TWO people at the end and that was his strongest alliance. Coach answered that he played mostly honourable, but he was not honest all the time.
Jim - wants to know why Albert thinks Coach and Sophie do not deserve to win. Albert thinks him and Sophie carried Coach and that Sophie did not play a social game.
Dawn - What was your strategy Sophie? Sophie said she wished she could be a man to take two young women to the end...she felt that Coach was like a young woman because he would be loyal. She really liked Albert because he enjoyed talking strategy and so did she.
Rick - his feelings are hurt and really what was Sophie supposed to do? He was complaining that he got voted out when he ended up trying to vote her out. Maybe he was upset because he tried to get her to try and vote out Albert and she didn't go for it so he had to try and get her out. I don't know. I think they leave a lot out during the editing process. Should she have voted for herself? What were her options. She had a stronger alliance with Coach and with Albert - this was clear to the audience. It was between her and him - then he calls her a liar. I don't think that was fair.
Now it's Brandon's turn - He addresses Coach first - "You were a man of god and you would never vote me out of the game. Do you have anything to say to me?" Coach said that he knows he is hurt and then Brandon forgave him. He then asked Albert how he feels about using God to get to the final three. Brandon thought he didn't use god to get there. Brandon asked him if he know that he was being sent to Redemption and chose to not give back the individual immunity - Albert kept trying to give more than a one word answer. Brandon kept saying, "YES or NO. YES or NO." Albert said something like, "no not really..." he should have been honest.
What's her name even? I think it might be Whitney...she didn't have anything good to say to Albert or Coach. Then she got to Sophie - she felt it would be hard to write her name down because she took no time to get to know anyone. Sophie did say that she's very blunt and intimidating - she would like to work on her weakness and work on her character.
Edna - "...the inherent ingredient (in Survivor) is manipulation." She felt that religion was used in the best way because religion is the best way to manipulate and "dupe" people. She didn't slam anyone. That was good. She reminded the rest of the jury that they shouldn't be so upset with the three up there because they all allowed it to happen that way.
Keith - who are you again? He asked Coach if he was going to use the immunity idol as a team or would he have kept the idol hidden. Coach, Sophie, and Albert were able to agree that it was a team idol. When they were at the six/six tie for voting, Coach was going to let someone on his team use it if they thought they needed to.
OMG - Sophie totally put the information out there about Brandon not knowing when the idol was hidden. Coach's time is over now! She said that her and Coach sent Brandon out there to search for an idol that they already knew was found! That was hilarious.
Cochran - he really likes Coach. He was pretty happy and believed he was going to the final three with Coach. He liked the game. He then decided that he didn't like the word honour anymore. He said that Coach says it so often he doesn't even know what honour means anymore. Coach just said that he wanted to play the game well. He wanted to keep everyone happy. He realizes now that his game wasn't that great. Coach doesn't play a really great strategy game - Sophie said that she did the strategizing and then Albert piped in. Really - they did do the strategy...but Coach kind of orchestrated it all. I mean, okay, the maestro conducts the orchestra, but the individuals play the game...where was Coach...was he in the orchestra or was he the maestro? I'm not sure anymore. I think Sophie might have been the strategist and maestro.

Reading the VOTES: Coach, Sophie, Coach, Sophie, Coach, Sophie, Sophie, SOPHIE! Holy shit! I won, I won, I won! I mean, Sophie won. :) Sweet.

At the end Sophie spoke about the slamming of her character and I'm really happy with her response: She spoke about how she was a girl scout and her entire life she was taught to be confident and she wasn't going to apologize for it now. I'm glad she said that. She's right, you know? She is a confident woman and she was expected to feel badly about who she is? Good for you, Sophie.

So, we got the first part of the finale show where they figure who wins, but we missed the part where Russell speaks and they show who wins the 100K. I heard that Russell was super mean to his nephew and Brandon recognized that his family is mean and he has God - so all is good. And DB, Ozzy got it. I would have picked Cochran. Cochran or Coach.