28 September 2011

Survivor 23 - Week 3 - LATER Semhar

I'm so glad she's gone! Thanks Christine! I hope you make a long, long way. You deserve good things for beating out Semhar. Have you ever seen anyone so happy to be knocked out of the game of Survivor? I thought I might be the only one getting annoyed with her repeating her poetry...but even Mr. Probst (Jeff) was rolling his eyes. She did a complete rendition of her poem that I had on here a few weeks ago...I wanted to like it - I really wanted to like that poem. I wanted to like it so much I even said I liked it initially. I listened to it once more and thought...weird...there's a line in her poem where she says she doesn't care if he calls her "Shelley" because that's his mother's name and he loves her as he loves me." I thought...didn't you think about that first...? Little creepy.

Anyhow, I jump ahead of myself...before that Mikayla was trying to figure out what was going on. Brandon was so upset with himself for being like his Uncle Russell and he wanted to be a hero and he told a blatant lie...he says, "I reap what I sow, man." He loves God and Jesus Christ. That's great. Stop talking all the should game and just do (I got that from the LOML sitting here beside me during the episode).

Treemail let everyone know that two people from each tribe can go to see the Redemption Island battle. Coach asked if he could go and Stacey said she would like to go also. So, those two went from Upolu and from Savaii - Ozzy and Elyse.

As I've already stated - SEMHAR GOES HOME! She leaves a nice warm sweater for Christine - very nice move. She was so annoying...she started talking about how she felt abandoned and much like her life she has had to move around a lot. I am sure she has a really interesting and sad story...but it's Survivor and I'm happy Christine is sticking around a little bit longer. I am watching this a second time and I was so happy I could forward past the poem. I can't believe they gave her that air time. Oh well, that's probably all she really wanted. I did add to her youtube hits...I'm sure I'm not the only one. I was a little worried Christine would drop her totem, but she did not. They were holding a totem on top of a platform with a skinny stick...they would add sections after a certain amount of time and it would have been really easy to lose this challenge. I think they both tried.

L'il Hantz came clean about his relationship to Russell. Mikayla cracks me up, "You say you don't wanna lie, but you keep doing it." She didn't say that directly to him, but she should have. Coach is still on his side and wants to keep him around.

Papa Bear is on the outs with Dawn and Cochran. Ozzy came back with a nice fish. He thinks he and Keith have a brother thing going on and so he told Keith about the hidden idol and within minutes Keith told Whitney. For some reason after he told Whitney, she was rocking him back and forth on the hammock. Why? Do they have a showmance happening? That word needs to be added to Webster's Dictionary - Showmance. All she needs now is a palm frond.

Mikayla calls out Brandon and she wants to know why? She wants to know why he wants her out and why she couldn't talk to her about it. He thinks she has an attitude. He then says he's trying to apologize to her when he just got done telling her he doesn't like her. He calls the entire group over to have a conversation. He's such a dink. He points out that she doesn't have an alliance and no one said one word. What a douche bag. Brandon, you are a douche bag. You really are. And you know what? She ended up going off on her own and crying. No one followed her and no one talked to her or tried to consol her. I am not happy with the rest of the tribe either. Sophie believes him to be a devious jerk - it's in his blood line. Brandon doesn't think he should have lost his temper, but he did and it was awful. He was lying there next to fire getting covered in ashes. Maybe he will rise like that phoenix...I doubt it.

Coach notes that the aggression differs from Russell's, but it is still aggression nonetheless.

For the challenge they win comfort food (coffee, cookies, sugar). They have to race along a floating bridge with a body board...collect a banner in a bag...bring it back and then some other tribe members will take a grappling hook and bring all five banner bags up to the platform...once they get them all they have to organize how they are hanging to show a picture of their tribe totem type thing....It wasn't very exciting.

Sophie is strong like bull! I love it. Papa Bear couldn't keep up...they have to real in the people on the body board after they collected the banner bag. Dawn showed lots of strength in this challenge. Brandon gave a shout out to God on his way back on the boogie board...finger point straight to the sky. :)

When Savaii got back to camp, they were sure they were going to vote out Papa Bear...it ended up being between him and Cochran. Papa Bear went for a run into the trees and tried to trick the others into believing he found the idol. Jim sort of believed him. It didn't end up helping him much, he still got voted out in the end. I believe he made some really important comments during tribal to set the stage for something pretty interesting. He mentioned to Dawn that she's in the group of three with him and Cochran and that's okay...it's Jim and the other four that should worry because they won't make it past that five mark. At least the three know where they stand in the grand scheme of things. When they showed the scenes for next week something interesting is going to come about between Jim and Cochran. I hope it's good. I hope the underdogs come together and make something cool happen. I don't know if Jim knows it or not...but he's really not part of the cool kid group...he's there simply because he's not old and he's not super nerdy. The other four are together because they are all carbon copies of each other. Cochran also pointed out the searching for a (I never know if I should use a or an before an H...see) hidden immunity idol really doesn't prove loyalty for a tribe and group cohesiveness.

Overall, this episode wasn't great. I guess it will start getting better soon. I'm hopeful for next week. :)

Favourite Quote thingy from this week: "Nervous neurotic scrambler" = Cochran...haha...okay, he doesn't want to be that guy...I think he held it together this week.

23 September 2011

Silly Zazen - just keep at it.

After sitting through my annoyance of 'no teacher' I finally picked up the book, "Zen Mind Beginner's Mind" again. I read the best chapter and regained confidence in my practice. I don't know if confidence is the right word or not. I read last night something along the lines of not giving up if you don't have a teacher. Something about when you work out there are difficult points to it and you have to work through it - that means it's working. I have had the opportunity to recognize the weakness in my practice. He wrote about that too.

So, in the spirit of Charlie Brown and Lucy...I will continue to hold up the football for myself and run at it as quickly as possible with as much intention of hitting it through the hole in the ozone...and each time the ball gets moved away just before I hit it...I'll smile and try for it again. And then I might realize that I need to lose the expectations and just sit. :) 
Okay, so I've been thinking about the whole Lucy duping Charlie Brown every time she holds up that damn football. I'm starting to think she's that nasty Zen Master whacking him with a stick every time he sits wrong or being non-pulsed when he shares some "amazing" thought discovered while pondering all of the little nuggets gleaned while being "open" to it all. Maybe there's a book deal out there for someone - unless it's already out there...you know, like the "Tao of Pooh" book...there could be one comparing the Peanuts characters to the teachings of Zen. ? Who knows...?

Ruffles Onion Dip and Survivor 23

This week we find out if Semhar is going to have more fodder for her poetry by getting punted out. Maybe she could write a poem about Ruffles Onion Dip. It's so good.
Upolu won immunity last week and Semhar got set to the island by the Savaii tribe. Cochran is going to have to step it up so that he doesn't get sent there next. It would truly suck if he lost to Semhar. 
Oh dear lord...she whining and crying about how she gave her team her all and they sent her away, "figures" she says. What does that mean? She has abandonment issues and doesn't understand how people can be so mean. Hahahaha! You are on Survivor. Now she's repeating her poetry...dear lord. "I don't miss you, I miss feeling loved." Wow. 
Cochran doesn't want to be the antsy, paranoid, nerd kid that he has been. He wants to be cool and collected. We shall see. Ozzy identifies with his passion. Could he sound more like a pot-head? I'm just wondering, dude. Ut oh, Ozzy and the tall skinny dude (Keith) are making plans and they want to bring Jimmy into the mix. Teehee, they could be Jimmy (hendrix), Bob (marley), and Keith (richards). 

Upolu Tribe: Coach is working Edna. He is her friend and not in the alliance. He is wondering if anyone found the idol. Edna is alligning herself with Coach because he's strong and she's one of the smallest females. Now he feels that he needs to protect her. Christine might have the idol. Who knows?

Savaii Tribe: Cochran is cutting coconuts without being asked to do so. His mother is super protective and she doesn't want him to be using a matchette without supervision. Haha. 
Ozzy is "fishing" for the idol. He's climbing trees...he's so good at that. I think he's going to find it. He found this massive tangle of vines and roots and there it was. He found it without the silly written clue. He found another hiding place up high in a tree and he may be the only person who can climb it.

Back at Upolu: L'il Hantz and Coach are chatting. He believes Coach has honour and integrity. Now he's being very ungodly not telling him that he is Russell's nephew. So, now he's going to tell him. Coach is silly. So, Brandon shows him his tattoo with Hantz written on it..."Uh, that's not your last name is it?" Now, Coach is scared because he doesn't want to get voted out by Brandon like Russell voted him out. L'il Hantz is going to be a man of his word and he's going to play "like a man of God." Now they are praying. Awesome. They are continuing to bring religion into this game. I wonder if that many people, statistically speaking (like out of 18 people), in the USA are that religious. Maybe they are. I have no idea. 

Off to Savaii: Elyse is praying to her ancestors to help her figure out how to catch fish. The men went out and the women were on the beach. I'm not sure where Cochran is. Jim, Keith, Ozzy, Elyse, and Whitney. Jim wants those five to make it to the end. So, they are going to kick out Papa Bear, Cochran, and Dawn just because they aren't part of the cool crew. I hope the outcasts step it up...but in true Survivor history, they probably won't. 

Blue Tribe: Mikayla, Albert, and L'il Hantz are going fishing. Mikayla is pretty tough. Brandon doesn't like her and even when he talks about her his voice shakes and he feels that she is using her "seductive ways" to get people drawn in. "Being a married man, I have to stay away from that stuff." So, he doesn't want her in the game because he can't control his urges? He wants to blame her instead of admitting his own urges? Oh ya, that's right - being a married man and all he couldn't possibly have those sorts of thoughts about another person.  

Christine doesn't have the idol, but she's still looking. She didn't find the idol but she did find the clue to find the idol. 

The Challenge:
Upon arrival, all of Upolu were eating delicious fruit. They are showing up the other tribe that they eat together, they are strong and they will stick together and win together. We shall see. 
They are doing this may pole type thing for keys and then they have to move a bunch of crates around until they get the winning crate to the right spot. They are getting a reward of comfort - pillows, blankets, a hammock. Oh yes, and immunity.
Edna is sitting out for the Upolu Tribe. 
Let's go! Savaii is having trouble right off the bat. Cochran is the target messer upper. 
Upolu made it through and Stacey is unlocking the tribe. They are working the puzzle now! Upolu is taking their time and Savaii is flying through the puzzle. Blue team has to step it up. They have lost their lead I think. Or at least that's what Jeff is saying and seeing as he knows how to win the challenge, he's probably right. Savaii just overtook the other tribe. Savaii won immunity and reward. Huge come back victory. I wonder who the blue team will send away. I kind of hope it's Mikayala so she can kick Semhar's butt. 

Yummy! We are having Ruffel's Onion chip dip and regular Lays ripple chips. So good.

3 for Christine, 3 for Stacey, and I'm not sure who else they are going to vote for...I think they will be voting for Mikayla because L'il Brandon has a wife and family and he feels uncomfortable. Coach believes that Brandon has demons that he is facing on a daily basis. He's threatened by her because she's a strong woman and so Sophie is worried because she's strong too...well, I don't think you make him as nervous. HAHAHAHAHA! Coach just asked Mikayla to step away from their conversation. "They think I'm not trusable," Mikayla said. Edna can't lie. Christine was asking her about what was going on. So, L'il Hantz is pushing for Mikayla. No one understands his logic. 

So, he's all fricken paranoid...she's not flirting with anyone and Brandon is being a dink. I think he needs to get sent to Redemption and he needs to get beat out of the game by Semhar. Let's see what transpires. I think Brandon is a dangerous person. He's trying to protect himself by keeping everyone away instead of dealing with his "demons" as Coach puts it. He turns people into demons to be battled, but really...look to yourself, Brandon. Mikayla's "seductive powers" are your own projections.

Coach is being made a fool...he's trying to turn Christine and Stacey against Mikayla. But they didn't bring her name up at all. Jeff is trying to clear things up. Now, Coach won't say who told him the information. So, he's showing loyalty by not saying anything. Mikayla wants to know if Stacey or Christine are voting her out. So, Brandon puts his hand up and comes clean about his information sharing for getting rid of Mikayla. Albert is pretty much calling out Brandon and his character and his personality shining through...something along those lines. I don't know who will get sent to Redemption today. And Jeff keeps saying that they are going home...they aren't going home they are going to redemption island. Christine does not play the hidden idol. I don't think she has it. Who voted for SOPHIE? Oh no you didn't! Leave her alone. Stacey, Edna, Christine, and Sophie all got one vote and then two for Stacey and three for Christine. And now three for Stacey...one vote left. Christine is off to Redemption Island. No one voted for Mikayla. 

Next week on Survivor...I think Brandon is losing it. Stacey voted for Sophie. I hope she's next to go. 
Survivor quote of the week? "I don't know what his problem was, but he's a tool." Christine in reference to Coach. Awesome. 

Here are your Survivors!
Blue Team - Upolu Tribe
Rick "the Rancher" 
Brandon Hantz 

Red Team - Savaii Tribe
Papa Bear 

18 September 2011

Slacking on Sitting AKA: Zero Zazen

I'm living in a bit of self-deprecation just because. I know it's silly. I know it, yet I persevere. I have slacked in sitting over the past week or two. I have a hard time following the standard accepted week now that I'm working shift work with 4.5 days off in a row. I work 2 day shifts, off for 24 hours, and then work 2 night shifts. This rotation will be as it is until the end of time as I know it. I follow my weeks in this pattern. So, it might be more like 10 days. There may have only been about three days in there where I did not sit at all in a 24 hour period.
I miss it.
I avoid it.
I dread it.
I fantasize about what it could be like with a physically present teacher.
I long to experience sitting with a group of people.
I can't do that here in Whitehorse.
I choose to not set this up here in Whitehorse.
I reminisce about historical times I sat.
There is no past.
There is no future.
I am making the choice to not sit Zazen, so instead to sit in avoidance. Awesome. "What are you doing that for?" you might ask. I propose this excuse (copied and pasted from Brad Warner's blog):
"As Shunryu Suzuki said in 1962:
"If you want to meditate you must have (the) instruction of (the) right teacher, especially when you want to meditate at home. It will take at least six months before you get your own right posture. Everyone has their own right posture but without instructions you cannot find it. For it to be your true posture, there must be (the) spirit which is called (the) Essence of Mind. Without spirit it cannot be your own. So we say, 'When you become yourself then Zen becomes Zen.'"''

So what am I left to do? Do I just continue to sit and then see what happens? I am pretty certain I'm excuse making. I am working full-time. I'm taking two university courses and the time dedicated to these courses is about what I was spending on thinking about Buddhism, sitting, and reading about it put together. I'm still working out with weights every other day and running when I can and walking when the running's not working. I guess I'm running out of time to do some things. I guess I'm using the time I have to excuse make. Really...ten minutes of sitting only takes 10 minutes. I suppose another excuse might be this:
I am not reading the Buddhist literature as I was before my courses started. Taking that time to read from various teachers (Brad, Shunryu, various others in "the book of mu", etc...) was really integral. I would contemplate what would resonate most with me from those books during that sitting time. I can't really tell you what I think of when I sit at home now...you know when I do sit. 

Last words: I'm going to take the time if I really want to continue this practice. If I choose to not take the time to sit (even just 15 minutes twice a day) I choose to not take the time. There are no excuses. There are no reasons to not sit. I have to own my choices.

16 September 2011

You slay me Dragon Slayer - Survivor 23: South Pacific

Oh HAIR no.
Oh yes! Another season - Coach, my muse, my love to hate to love of you is inexplicable...know what I mean? :) Coach is back and I am happy. He's going to try to not be so self-righteous and judgemental of others this season. Good luck, Coach. I can see you have done a lot of personal work (finger point to me - self righteous, judgemental one) and are also working on the confidence.

The tribes meet and are introduced to Coach and Ozzy. No one wanted Coach to be on their team, but everyone wanted Ozzy.

Oh - it's Redemption Island again. Sweet.

Why is Russell's nephew even here? He's 19 and says that he's not going to reveal his relationship to Russell...he won't be able to take his shirt off - he has two different tattoos with Hantz in them.

One point - did anyone else notice the entire blue tribe is wearing all dark clothing?

Cochran - he LOVES this game. He is a Harvard, pale-skinned boy who has no shame in expressing his emotions and being open and honest. I don't know if he does this because he can't hold back or if he really is as awesome as I think he is.

When Coach and Ozzy got their paint-filled eggs to smash...Coach was really hesitant to get his fancy shirt stained and seemed like he didn't want to get dirty. Ozzy was all - YA, SMASH EGG SMASH OVER MY HEART. MY HEART IS IN THIS GAME WITH THIS TEAM. MY LOVE. He ended up rubbing it in his hair and ran to his tribe with open arms.

Poor Coach was nearly repelled away like magnet ends of the same polarity.

Coach and Ozzy had to compete in a challenge to win their tribes fire and taro (potatoes). Ozzy won in the end with the clear direction of his tribe and keeping his cool. I didn't get the puzzle instructions and neither did the boys...they had to be told how to do it numerous times. It was really funny when the challenge started - okay, I'm sure it was all sentimental and meaningful, but they did a prayer to the heavens and centring of self - only worked for Ozzy though.

I was wrong before about Ozzy's hair - it don't look so bad when it's wet - it just looks fuzzy when dried and brushed.

See, Ozzy's team used clear direction like left and right and Coach's team used words like, "over there, no over that way" - not so clear to me.

Ozzy is taking on the tribe like he's a god or something. He just wants to enjoy the time and relax and play. They didn't even work on their shelter the first day.

Semhar - she's a poet. beatbox. she had to represent. You should have seen Ozzy's face if you missed it! He's so smitten with her and mesmorized. He loves her. I mean, he respects her passion and wants her around for the long haul. I think he's looking for his Amber.

Poor Cochran was so shy to show off his translucent body. He did a slo-mo run like Bay Watch into the water. Sweet.

Pappa Bear (gay NY detective) - HOLLA. I'm so happy he's out there representing for the other gay cops out there that might not feel super safe in being who they are. It's all good. We are all right. I'm happy he's there. He seems descent thus far.
Papa Bear
Coach took the lead and encouraged and 'coached' his team through the first day of building a shelter and he let everyone know that he's just going to be real and that's it.

Sophie - Russian and Economics major - I think she JUST recently graduated. I think I like her so far. She seems pretty down to earth. She's my player in the work pool. Hold on, her caption says, "Medical Student." Super smart. She must be the Cochran of the blue team.

Christine is all about trying to find the idol - oh sorry, she's out looking for firewood, but I don't think she brought any back. She seems tough. She leaves Coach pretty nervous. She's his target number one. Before the returning Coach and Ozzy went to their teams, she mentioned that "they are just temporary players."

Jim - he's a "science" teacher - the cool teacher...more like the MARIJUANA DEALER. He said he won over 40 poker tournaments and he has his MBA. Okay, so they are medical marijuana dispensaries. And he's not saying a word about his contribution to different levels of addiction in society. He's sticking to the noble teacher story.

Dawn was losing her shit about not having the shelter done. I was talking with a colleague and her perception was that of "control freak." She said she's a planner and she's not sure if Bob Marley (Ozzy) is. She is an English Professor and mother of 6 - her and her husband adopted all of their children.

Coach and Mikayla (lingerie football player - wtf is that?) were buggin little Russell. He seems so nervous about the pretty playboy bunny (February 2011)! I bet it's on account of his youth and inexperience. Mikayla seems quite confident in herself and her sexual being and he is not comfortable at all. I think it's on account of his immature sexual expression -  he might not be able to control some somatic responses and that's nerve wracking. He's a 'young married gentleman'. He doesn't want to get close to her because he knows that he WANTS her and is scared of his normal biological responses. Good luck to you sir in your growth. Don't be a dick because of your fear.

Commercial interruption - I want to watch "Two Broke Girls" because I love one of the stars. Okay, I don't 'love' in that way, but I believe she's a good actress.
Kat Dennings (to the right - your right - as you look at the screen)
Sophie wants an astrologer, but she's sure Coach can do it. They were just sitting out there chatting and getting to know each other. They set up their alliance of five. Very smart move! It's comprised of Coach, Sophie, Russell Jr., the Ranger, and Albert...and it's Coach 3.0 actually. 3.0, that's pretty high expectations Coach. Please don't disappoint.

Pappa Bear and Dawn are chatting. He's trying to help her keep her shit together because they are the oldest in the tribe (Ozzy's tribe) and might be the first up. She couldn't handle herself the second day because she didn't sleep well at all. Ozzy was really strong for her I think. He wanted her to feel her feelings and own them and let them come through so she could get past it. She has 6 kids, she's a teacher, she's always in charge without question I think. That or she's used to having a few quick sips of red wine.  Oh wait, that's me. Excuse me...


Semhar's contribution - how to brush your teeth and you can use pasty ash for tooth paste. Thanks for that. Okay, I'm sure it's smart. Dental hygiene is important.

Cochran, you are charming. You are a provider to the tribe. Good for you for opening your first coconut with a machette.

L'il Russell is out there fishing as soon as possible to provide for the tribe. He wants to have a good social game unlike his familia.

First challenge - They have to scramble under a maze type thing, run through a coconut thing, climb a 10 foot tall wall, OMG Albert pulled mini Hantz up the wall - WOW, okay that kid must weight like 180 or more and with his arms Albert just lifted him up like it was almost nothing. Awesome strength. They had to then dig out a machette and then cut through some rope to drop a tonne of coconuts. They then had to shoot coconuts into a giant net to raise up another bag of coconuts that would in turn raise their flag. Blue tribe, Coach's tribe wins by just ONE coconut. Semhar (Ozzy's tribe) just kept missing and missing and missing. She was so tired and crying and wanting to switch out after just two shots on net. Mikayla - I think she made EVERY basket and her final shot won it for Upalu (blue) Tribe! Heck ya! I was really happy about that finish for sure.

Jim got super pissed because Semhar said she only felt "sorta bad." They are sending someone to Redemption Island.

Their clue about the hidden immunity idol - 'there's a hidden clue for it'. Find that clue and you'll be able to find it easier. I don't know her name...the mortician...she nearly found the clue and she knew it. At least she realizes she was most likely about to touch it.

Semhar was really hurt by Jim's response. I kind of agree she just didn't want someone to call her out because she already felt down and why would another person try to put them down even more. Maybe he should smoke a joint?

Ozzy is trying so hard to save her and tries to get Cochran out of the game because he's not the "cool" kid and he thinks he's weak. He's not though. He's a good, honest player and should stick around. He's the biggest fan ever.

I have an issue with everyone getting on Semhar's case for volunteering to do something when NONE of them stepped up to do it either. No one said, "Hey, I'll do it. I think I should." But, she did say she wanted to do it and she might have been offended if someone jumped up...but you never know unless you try - right? Ozzy just wants the love of his life, his soul mate to stay in this game.

"It's explicitly been stated that I am...". You're awesome Cochran. You were awesome until you thought you were better and cooler than Papa Bear and the other girls. Come on, that's not nice. You are quite nearly the most articulate person I have heard speak. I believe the words he chooses are mostly the best options and most clearly understood by all. He doesn't dumb things down or add more than necessary. Except when he first heard that he was up for potentially getting voted out.

I'm happy Semhar is on Redemption. Hey, maybe it will be a great story of revival from Redemption and she will have some great poetry come out of it. Here's to hoping.

She wept like a banshee as she left tribal counsel. Ozzy, "I should have taught her how to make a fire." Ain't you sweet, Ozzy?

OMG! They ALL voted her out! Even Ozzy voted for her! They were all sure she was going to Redemption. When did Ozzy change his mind? Those sneaky editors! Oh you.

A Limitless Love - poem by Semhar. I like it.

08 September 2011

Solo Soto - Practice without teacher?

Am I wasting time sitting without a teacher? Without a present teacher in my space to critique and dissect and smack me with a stick when I don't sit proper? I'm so confused. Lots of what I have read indicates that Zen is pretty solo in practice. Then to the contrary - students are warned to not do it without a teacher. Does a book constitute some level of educator? If not...am I wasting my time? Does it count if I listen to Thich Nhat Hanh while I write this blog post? Okay, I'm really actually doing that. It's a talk on anger and how we can embrace it much like a mother will embrace her crying baby. It's called, "Hello my Anger."

I really am curious for the answer to this question. Maybe I'll contemplate this during my Zazen practice tomorrow (well okay, this afternoon) when I get home.

I'm still sitting and I'll continue to and I hope I don't truly fuck myself up by not having a teacher present. I guess I just need to keep up studying while I'm sitting. I think this might assist in keeping myself on track and not turning into some cultish type believing too much that I am Jesus Christ. I figure we all are...I'm no more than you and you're no more than me...know what I mean? Not in like the crazy, crazy "I'm Jesus lookit me" kinda way. I'm realizing this is a hard thing to explain without sounding like a nutter, so I'm going to just leave it alone for the time being.

So - sitting experiences as of late...uhm...I think I'm quicker to note when I'm disengaging from the present moment - getting lost in thought to the point of not realizing where I am and what I'm doing. I notice I do that quite a few times throughout a short fifteen minute sitting. I guess it would be nice to talk directly to a teacher about what's going on with that...and maybe get some instruction/lessons.

I forgot my pencil case in an area I can't access until morning. I'm going to sit here at the computer and not do any of my homework...I'm not going to do any homework because I don't have my special pens and I'm not interested in using just a "regular" pen that any random person could use to write out my notes. I don't want to stray from the pattern I've established. I love making excuses. This is one of those "Yes, but" things I just read about this evening..."Yes, I was planning to do my homework, but I didn't have access to my pencil case so I'm not going to do it." "If I had my pencil case at hand, then I would do my homework." The "if/then" is another example he uses in the excuses section on safeguarding tendencies. I'm talking about Adler by the way.

Maybe I'll read the remainder of the chapter and take my notes tomorrow morning when I'm waiting for Canadian Tire and the post office to open. .
Found here...

01 September 2011

Procrastination, planning...JUST DO - silly.

Oh dear me. I've started back to shift work. I have to do night shifts. I don't know what I think of it so far. I know it will get better. I'm trying to adjust to it though. Seriously. I'm having to deal again with shitty procrastination and I know I will overcome, but I honestly look for anything else to do EXCEPT what I should be doing. Right now I had all the plans in the world to clean house, self, and complete a chapter for school. What have I done? I did my free Bejeweled Blitz spin, checked my banking, took Moksha for a walk (we even went shorter than usual so I would have time to get everything done before the LOML gets home from work), and I plugged my iPhone for music into the stereo. I've also started this blog post.

I'm still zazen-ing. I have to push myself to get up there and do it. I'm ensuring to do 15 minutes instead of cutting it short. I've noticed that I find more difficulty in sitting right now. Pains in my right ankle and knee. I am uncomfortable. I figure my body is a little shifted with the night shifts added to my life. I have to work through it there is no other way around it. I also noticed pain in my back, left knee, and there is more itchiness in random spots...the other day on my right cheek I struggled to NOT scratch my face off in the middle of my sitting. The time is going by at a good pace. I don't feel like I'm sitting for a hundred years or anything like that.

This afternoon's sitting was a struggle for me. I made it a struggle. I was sitting just fine. I've gone back to half lotus (my version of it anyhow). My ankle was KILLING me - okay not really killing me, but I was in pain. I wasn't going to check the time. I wasn't going to move my leg. I thought about it and thought about it. I sat in the pain for a short period and figured I should see how much longer and then decide what I would do about the pain if anything. I noticed that I still had two minutes left. I decided to move my leg and then quickly recognized that I put myself in more pain than I had been in in the first place! I should have stayed exactly how I was and just felt it and did my breathing. I got through the itch on my cheek by breathing into the annoyance and it quickly went away. No, this time I took the "easy" way out which as it seems ends up being the harder route in the end.

Okay, okay...with that - It is more difficult to put shit off until the last possible minute and just go and get it done now. I will get up from this computer and do the dishes. I should shower soon after that. I'm getting caught up in a "planning" mode and that just takes me away from my "doing" mode. However, sitting here typing away is detracting from getting shit done. I'm outta here. :)

Quickly reviewed and now posted...