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06 August 2011

Not falling for my own bullshit :)

Wow. Today I am tired. Not so much that I couldn't get out of bed and make it to work on time - but sort of soul tired - which is really tired considering there really is no such thing as a soul in the traditional sense. I'm tired. I got out of bed after 2 snoozes (I think it was only two). I rolled onto the zafu and decided to be anti-authority about it. I didn't sit full or even half lotus. I didn't even sit with my legs crossed period for most of it. I hunched my back and hugged my legs for stability. I checked the time twice and I mocked my determination to keep thoughts about just what I was doing. I thought about whatever the fuck I wanted to think about.
My back hurts.
My knee is feeling pain.
I'm tired.
The 15 minutes went by uneventfully and even though I checked the time twice - it really wasn't dragging on all that much. I was falling into an old pattern of convincing myself that something was worse than it really was.

I realized something today. This whole mess of trying to decide what to do about the work gig I've been doing for the past few months. I may have the option to act in it for an extended time frame. I don't want to.

I'm doing really good right now. I feel great. I'm exercising. I'm doing zazen every day. I am going to sign up for two more university courses. I'm ready to be in the shift work pattern that will be more conducive to studying in the night and during my five days off. So, I'll be working 2 days shifts. I finish at 7pm one day and then don't work again until 7pm the next day - so there's 24 hours right there. I work 2 night shifts. So, let's say I finish at 7am on Monday morning - I don't go back to work until Saturday at 7am. There is a lot of school work to be done in that time frame.

I currently get 4 days off in a row - without the night shift to fuck up my circadian rhythm. The first day of those four are spent assessing whether or not I forgot to do anything pertinent for my cross shift partner. I'm rethinking every decision and every comment I ever made during the four days I was working and beating myself up about something that could have been misconstrued and maybe pissed someone off. Eventually I relax, but it takes me some time to get there.

Maybe I can't really handle stress that well. Maybe I'm learning how to deal a little better every day. Maybe I'm just ready for a change. Maybe I want to do the job that I applied for for a little bit. Maybe I want to do what I want to do instead of worrying about how other people are going to react to the decision that I make for myself. Maybe, just maybe (that's a cliche now isn't it?) I should do what I want to do.

This is what's best for me in this moment. I won't do any university courses while I'm in the acting position. The sites are set on my degree and I have strayed from it long enough. I've quit doing a tonne of shit without finishing it. I have to start calling myself on that.

It is time. I'm deserving of a degree. I'm ready for the work that's needed. I'm ready because I finally believe enough in myself and have the drive TODAY to get there.

The LOML is behind me 100% - she's awesome. I know she would like me to be in bed next to her each night. I love being next to her too - however, should I stay I will *maybe most likely* start to dislike myself, get disgruntled with work, embarrassed that I haven't gotten any closer to my goal, depressed potentially, and then where am I at?

Now the tough part. It's not tough - it is what it is - I mean the argument back for me to stay could be "It's only an extra couple of months". However, I signed up for three and now nine have gone by. Each time I get an end date the extension is offered and I'm ready to do for me now :) It is now time to tell 'em where I stand. I figured out today I knew the answer all along. I was trying to convince myself otherwise. I find it harder and harder to trick myself into believing my own bullshit :o)

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