29 August 2011

Running, Sitting, Young the Giant, and Tricycle.

Well, it's August 29, 2011. I started Zazen practice on July 28, 2011. I haven't missed a day yet. I just do it. I just sit. I sit and try and notice my breath. The basic trend for me so far as been to sit and think, 'okay I'm going to breathe in and then out'. I was counting my out breaths to start with and I used to emotionally beat myself up for straying from the count. Then I only counted one for each out. Now I like to just notice what I'm thinking and feel those thoughts in my body. I am reading, "Zen Mind Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki. I read about breathing and internal and external 'stuff'. I read that we are like a swinging door. I didn't quite get it when I first read it and now I think I get it a little bit. Each time something shifts in me I understand it a little bit more then something shifts again and I have no clue what it means at all. Click on Shunryu's name and you will be directed to the quote...it's on the Tricycle website.
CURRENTLY - I suppose that each time I breathe out - a little of 'me' is shared with the planet and each time I breathe in - a little of 'you' is shared with me...a little of the entire universe...I know...don't think about it too much.
I'm watching Much Music right now. I'm not sure why. Nothing else on I guess. I like this song - My Body by Young the Giant.

I noticed last week that I really like the taste of milk. Weird. I never used to drink milk and now I find myself reaching for it from time to time. I wonder what has shifted in my body/mind to enhance the taste of milk. I think the chemicals in our body/mind switch up toxicity and that is why our taste buds change over the course of our lives. I think maybe I'm more aware of what my needs are - like, I need Vitamin D and Calcium and am finally a bit more aware of the good things my body needs because it's good for me and I deserve it. Hokey? Most likely reads that way for sure. I know what I mean.

Tonight is my first night shift in quite some time. I am done the team leader day shifts. I'm back to two day shifts and two night shifts. I'm going to start school tonight. At least that's the intention now...if I still feel that way I'll do it. I'm going to crack the books for Statistics and challenge myself. I have to finish up a little Team Leader stuff as well. Bottom Line? I just have to do what I set out to do. That's all I can do.

Since I've been running - I learned something about myself. I learned that setting goals for the future are no good. The only good thing is doing what I want to do. I've only really ever let myself down. What I'm getting at - When I'm running and looking ahead I used to think, "Once I get to that sign, I'm going to stop." Then if I didn't feel like stopping I would keep going...that was so weird for me. There was one time when running, I did look ahead and decided that I just wanted to get to the last turn before my driveway and then I stopped myself. I realized that I was sitting there waiting in a future that hadn't happened yet and I was just uncomfortable in the moment I was in. I thought about it and decided, "I'm just going to check in with myself right this second and if I'm feeling alright to continue, I will. If I'm too tired or in too much pain to continue then I will stop." After doing that, I have been able to run much farther without stopping. I'm also in better shape for it. It's difficult to break promises with myself when I don't make them. I don't have the disappointment to contend with anymore...well, right now. I still make plans and have ideas for what I would like to accomplish in a day - I just don't carry the expectations anymore.

About sitting - I've notice that when I sit sometimes my body gets really hot. I feel super warm and I just roll with it. I haven't thought too much about the why yet. I haven't placed what my thoughts were when the heat begins. I'm almost uncomfortable in the warmth. I sit in it though. I also noticed that when I wear more than a t-shirt the weight of the second layer is really noticeable. I don't generally notice it throughout the day. And to point out...I'm not dressed to warmly when the sitting starts and I don't think my attire is contributing to the initial heat I feel being emitted from my body. I feel it and then when I finish the sitting, I no longer sense the heat.


Anonymous said...

hmm, about the heat.. How old are you, is it onset of menopause?

Unknown said...

I only deleted the other comment because the same one came up twice :) I really don't think it's menopause. The only time I've felt that type of heat is when sitting.