08 August 2011

Paradise really is right here :)

Today is the day I tell my boss that I don't want to volunteer in the position I'm currently in. I'm nervous. I don't need to be. She told me she would support me whatever decision I make.
I realize now I put too much worry into what other people think of decisions I make. I thank zazen for that nugget.
OMG - I just got an e-mail from her and I'm so nervous! I need to pull it off like a band-aid. Just like that - just say it. I could go to her office right this second and spew it out. I'm going to have this nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach/guts until I tell her and she says 'that's okay. taking care of you is what is important in life'. Until I put myself in position to hear that, I'm going to mess with my guts for a bit. It's like a test. "Why?" you ask. Well, it's just what I do to myself.
Here it goes. I'm going to have breakfast with my coworkers and then I'm going to go up front and talk to the boss. I'm going to tell her the same way I told the other person acting in the same job I'm in. Just quick and painless - to the point with no denying my intention or my decision. Just be clear.
Oh my goodness - that was the easiest/hardest thing to do in my life. I was super anxious when I walked in. All I did was say, "Okay, I'm going to do this like a band-aid. I do not want to be extended in the position. I want to go back to the floor. I'm registered for two more university courses." There was no response except, "That's great! Do what you have to do. When do you want to be back on the floor?" I hummed and hawed and said, "Well, I can stay until September 1 - you know until you can get someone else in and blah, blah" and I was cut off with, "What is best for you?" So, we looked at the schedules and I'm done August 25, 2011. I'm back to my substantive position with the intention of doing a fantastic job and rocking my courses. There you have it. I'm on the path to getting this degree out of the way :) Yeah for me :)

Subtle changes and improvements for me:
1. Brushing and flossing every night (don't judge me)
2. Meditation (zazen) every morning and night (booya!)
3. Eating smaller portions and better for me foods (diet pop, light beer)
4. Exercising every day - even just a little bit
    a) Doing some weight lifting to tone (every other day)
    b) Stretching every day
    c) Walking my dog :) she loves this one best
        i) running sometimes...sometimes I run - she likes this one too.
5. Not smoking (since June 3/11) (like not even a little bit - like not even thinking about it or anything)

Via the zazen, I am able to recognize some of the thinking patterns I engage in. Dear me - I am always trying to "make" everyone happy. I do this at my own cost and without really knowing what would truly "make" someone else happy. I'm learning that I can only account for my own feelings and others are just as responsible for their own well-being. I needn't fuel my body/brain/thoughts with assumptions about others. Life is good. I'm good. I have to be - there really isn't any other way to be quite frankly. I read somewhere in one of Brad Warner's books - something along these lines, 'paradise is right here, right now.' I interpret that to mean there is nowhere else we can be but right here in this moment and that's where I am - where I want to be. What I do in this moment writes the "future" I experience. The fantasies of future do me no good.
My goals are present and being met daily. When they aren't - they are. That's what's amazing about this moment. 'paradise is right here, right now.'

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