17 August 2011

INTP (which should really be IiNTP I think)

I'm still sitting everyday. I thought I was ready to move on to 20 minutes each morning and another 20 each evening. I have done it a couple of times, but for the most part I'm not. I'm sitting just 15 minutes each time. I don't know why I haven't made the commitment to progress. When I'm not feeling pressure to get up early or miss out on time spent with the LOML, I'm okay for the 20. I excuse make to avoid it. I'm just not ready to commit. Or is it better said, "I'm not doing it yet." I guess that's honest. I mean, if I really wanted to do it for the entire time, I would just do it.

Learning more and more everyday. I'm sitting and sitting and sitting and recognizing my thought patterns. I'm thinking about them and then I'm not and then I'm lost in some other thought. Yesterday evening I remember I am thinking about 'Mu'. I have starting thinking, 'Mu' on my in breath and then again on my out breath. About three breaths into that mantra I could hear Moksha (we call her Mu) eating downstairs. I smiled. That's what it's about for me.

For a two mornings in a row I chose to look down at the time and saw there was three minutes and change left for my sitting. I thought it was interesting that both times I was only 12 minutes into it.

About two evenings ago I got stuck in a numbers' game. I was thinking about 32 times 32. I have no idea why 32 was in my head...maybe because I was thinking about the 1x1 = 1, 2x2 = 4, 4x4 = 16 and then I fuck it up and just multiply 16 x 2 and get 32 and then I do the 32x32...but I generally just multiply it by 2 and saw the error in that...instead of figuring the 16x16 first I got stuck on the 32x32...oh dear me...I have to go back and do 16x16...I find it difficult to clear my mind enough to just see a chalk board with those numbers. I can do it when I write it out...I should be able to see it the same way as when I write it. Maybe that's what I'm working on figuring out.

I get worried when I start to think too much about numbers. About two years ago almost I had to take time off work - I was sad. I was off for about three months. I got stuck on those gad dang math crosswords. Not sudoku, but cross sums. The basic idea is to add numbers together in the white blank box spots (1-9 with no two numbers the same) so that they = the number indicated in the black box beside it. I could not figure this out just in my head. I became obsessive. There was a correct answer and I wouldn't stop until I had it. I ended up writing out all the different permutations for all numbers adding together. I started with 1+2, 1+3, 1+4, all the way to 1+2+3+4+5+6+7+8+9...I did this for each number 1-9 and did every single mix that could occur. There were pages of these numbers. I stapled it together and when I had this "cheat" sheet done I was able to complete the puzzles in a much more timely manner. Holy. When I finished it I thought maybe I needed help! So, when I get stuck on numbers I'm nervous that I'm going to that place. I'm not sure if it was really a bad thing...just an obsessive trait I guess.

Shit. Now I need to figure out 16x16, but I won't do it on paper. Yes, I know. I'm weird. 256. Yes. That was much quicker.

I was really doubtful that I was an INTP. I thought for sure there must be a mistake. I took the Myers-Briggs test about five times before I determined that it must be valid to a higher degree than I gave it credit for.

I've successfully avoided reading any of my Personality Theories reading for today. Time to get to it. I'm also a little more interested in the statistics course I have to take. I think I might even like it. It'll give my mind some math focus. Joy.

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