I recently read a blog post a person wrote conveying their desire to remain in an angry and sad state and not wanting others to try and find some dharma teaching in a tragedy that had recently past. I was really touched to read his words. I'm a dick sometimes. I try to find out what is bothering someone and quickly venture out there in the depths of my own interpretation of psychology and try to plant the seeds of "yer gonna feel much better after I give you the lesson - I'll lead you to the water with these condescending words." Of course my intention is never that. My intention is good. Or is it? Seriously? I wonder sometimes why I do what I do and say what I say. I wonder if I'm trying to bloat my own ego by helping others. Who knows? I guess I'm learning more and more about the why I do what I do everyday. I take back calling myself a dick. I'm not a dick. I'm trying to be helpful, just sometimes I step over the line of being helpful - at least that's my take on the situation from time to time.
I'm glad I read from someone able to express emotions and be okay in sitting in that space and energy. Sometimes we have to be there. Sometimes I have to resonate in the shitty feelings. I guess other people need to sit there too. I guess I should sit back sometimes and just be there and not try to fix. I think that's what helped me make the right choice for me when it came to turning down the offer of extension for the acting supervisory role. I really enjoyed the title and the admiration from my supervisor, but it really wasn't getting me any closer to the goals that I have for myself. I wasn't fulfilled. Know what I mean? I wasn't pushing myself in the right direction. I was in constant battle with where my intuition wanted to take me and where my 'thoughts' were peer pressuring me to go. I needed to find that discomfort and realize that it really wasn't uncomfortable at all, I was caring for myself. I had to lean into a feeling I was not used to and explore it a bit.
I know it sounds weird when I read it over too. I suppose I should explain for me and for you (if you want - you might already get it and I'm the one struggling).
So, what I mean is I was thinking - "Oh yes! I'm getting picked first to do this wonderful thing. I must be awesome. I must be loved. I must be first choice! I don't want to turn this down. What if I'm never picked first again? What if I turn this down and never get another chance?" So, in my own desire to be the 'best one' out of the lot I forgot that we are not really separate to begin with. I really don't need to be chosen first by anyone but myself. So, I put my needs last when I thought I was being put first. I did this so that I didn't have to feel that sadness. I mean if I were to stop looking to please someone else, maybe I could enjoy my own happiness. I guess that's what I used to do - I used to try and 'make' others happy or proud of me or try to shine and then feel uncomfortable when I would get the praise...like that's what I really want, but then don't know what to do with it when it comes my way. I figure this speaks to my old self hating way. Old way. I finally get it. I finally understand (at least most of the time) that I ain't so bad.
I've been reading Thoughts without a Thinker by Mark Epstein, MD. I'm really enjoying this read. My friend Jack (he's my biff, hit the link to see him talk about his awesome play 'Heather's String Theory') gave me a lend of it. SO GOOD. I've been reading a bunch of Buddhist stuff as of late and it just seems that each book I read is in the right place at the right time for where I'm at. I don't know if reading this book when he first lent it to me (about four months ago maybe more or less, I can't recall) would have been the right time. I wasn't as comfortable or exposed to really any Buddhist stuff...I think I would have been more confused and lost and then frustrated because I already have to look up words to find out what they mean...so, I would have had to do a lot more research while reading the book. If you get a chance to, you should pick it up or borrow it or something and read it. You might enjoy it as much as I am.