31 July 2011

Zafu in the Corner is me or mine or...

Last night and this morning's zazen sessions were bo-o-ring. My back today was aching. I felt it just behind where I believe my lungs to be. I noticed that when I was thinking about how I assume my cousin is really mad at me for calling her out on what I didn't agree with. I maybe shouldn't have done that. I was upset because she was being all hard core atheist. She was being ignorant and hurtful towards people that believe in God and I don't think that's really a smart way of going about the 'there is no God' argument. I think it is ignorant to be rude to someone for what they believe in. Is there really a difference in the way she was speaking about Christians and how she feels they treat or talk about her? I don't think so. In any case, I wrote that I believe anger + anger = even more anger and hate. I said that I welcome prayers from those close to me even if it is for my eternal soul and that I one day find Jesus in my heat, marry a man, and have babies. I love that they take the time every night to think about me. There aren't really that many people in the world that give me much thought in the evening and to know they are doing it just because they love me and want what they believe to be best for me - "fill your boots," I say. I welcome the love thoughts. :) Give me more. I know they don't agree with my "lifestyle" - but that doesn't matter. I am going to live how I'm going to live regardless of what someone believes in or not. They aren't hurting me. I can't change what they believe. All I can do is meet their concern with love and affection. 
So - my point - my lungs were hurting when I thought about my cousin this morning. I wasn't able to write on her facebook wall for her birthday, but other people I know were able to - so I think she's shut me out or something. I wasn't intending to hurt her feelings. I wasn't trying to start shit slinging. I'm hurt. I feel distant from her when I really want to be close with her. I don't think this is the first time I've challenged her thoughts. LOML tells me I should just keep my opinions to myself. Maybe she's right. I have a hard time holding my tongue. I guess that's obvious, I can't even keep my thoughts contained - they spill out here frequently. My lungs hurt - I wonder why. I put together the breath and family and soul (whatever that is) - to me - the breath that sustains the senses. Anger was creeping in a bit and then sadness. I had to sit up, sit up, sit up, and then sit up again - for 15 minutes every 45 seconds or more I was straightening my posture and adjusting my pose. I stalled getting up to do zazen in the first place. I did it though. I didn't even bother to try and sit half lotus even. I got lazy for no reason, but to be passive aggressive - sleeping in, not holding posture...and I'm here assuming my cousin is being passive aggressive...I guess that's why I'm so pissed - I am passive aggressive and there you have it - I'm triggered by her response because it is a familiar tool in my arsenal. 

Last night I waited until right before bed. It was fine. Nothing special to note. 

I did learn over the past two sessions - I  really do waste a lot of energy and space in my head on assuming the feelings and acting out the "what if" scenarios. Once I notice that's the case, I try to assume responsibility and move on. I know if I really want to figure out what's up with my cousin, I'm going to have to send her a private message and ask her what's up. I can't keep coming up with supposed scenarios. I mean, I can keep doing this, but it isn't getting me anywhere but crazy. 

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