30 July 2011

Day 2: Zazen-o-Rama

It's actually a 'zafu' not zafoo as I mentioned previous.

Last night I managed to get in the 15 minutes of sitting I promised myself I would commit to. I did it just after supper to ensure that I wasn't too tired therefore excuse prone. The evening wasn't too bad. I sat and recognized feelings in my body I hadn't noticed throughout the day. I felt a pain in my belly. I felt this pain when I realized the neighbours were back and I could hear my dog wanting to go outside. It took a lot for me to not yell downstairs to let the LOML know they were back and to make sure she was watching Moo (Mu, hehe) so she wouldn't venture over to their yard. I kept my silent sitting and just felt my feelings. Right there in the tummy. The emotion behind it? A bit of fear and anxiety. I was worried about Moksha bothering the neighbours and not being a responsible pet owner. I was also a little anxious because I don't know the neighbours that well yet. I was a little worried they would be blasting fireworks and maybe noisy when I had to get up for work today. They have never been really loud or crazy or any of that...just an unnecessary fear I was holding onto. I've only ever been annoyed with them leaving things right in front of our house...that's stopped so I'm not sure why I was carrying it. It was nice to finally see that I had been carrying it in my tummy. Hopefully I can just accept them there and carry on and not feel that pain. So, LOML ended up going outside with Moo and all is good.
My foot fell asleep again. I'm okay with that. I just walk it off after sitting.
This morning? Fuck I was tired. I took one snooze. I thought about lowering the time to just 10 minutes, but then thought...'if you're late, next time you won't sleep in'. I got up and did the 15 minute zazen. The time went by incredibly fast! I was constantly straightening my back, arranging to sit with dignity and good posture, lowering my head. I have a tendency to crane my neck up, eyes looking up. I'm not sure why I do this. So, I was repeatedly bringing my gaze back to level. I had to relax my abdomen and focus my eyes. My thoughts? I realized that I was making up all kinds of stories about 'what' the day might bring and I was focusing on what hadn't even happened. So, I was returning to the room and adjusting proper. When I tried to count my breaths, I didn't get past two this morning. I'm not even kidding. I have read that I will get better with practice much like running or any type of exercise. I'm sticking with it and we'll see where it goes.
I don't know if I'll write in here everyday of my experience, but I find I gain something by reflecting. I don't sit with anyone or know of anyone personally who is sitting everyday, so I don't know where to share my experience...so I'm doing it here. I was startled when the bell chimed letting me know that the 15 minutes had passed. I have a little reminder tone every three minutes. I find this helps to keep my thoughts from going to 'how much time has passed?' I thought I had only heard two tones and then it was over. Awesome.
I'm still tired, but I'm engaged and looking forward to the sitting tonight :) I will venture forth and eventually I won't have to think about when I'm going to do this, I'll just do it when it's time.

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