So - my point - my lungs were hurting when I thought about my cousin this morning. I wasn't able to write on her facebook wall for her birthday, but other people I know were able to - so I think she's shut me out or something. I wasn't intending to hurt her feelings. I wasn't trying to start shit slinging. I'm hurt. I feel distant from her when I really want to be close with her. I don't think this is the first time I've challenged her thoughts. LOML tells me I should just keep my opinions to myself. Maybe she's right. I have a hard time holding my tongue. I guess that's obvious, I can't even keep my thoughts contained - they spill out here frequently. My lungs hurt - I wonder why. I put together the breath and family and soul (whatever that is) - to me - the breath that sustains the senses. Anger was creeping in a bit and then sadness. I had to sit up, sit up, sit up, and then sit up again - for 15 minutes every 45 seconds or more I was straightening my posture and adjusting my pose. I stalled getting up to do zazen in the first place. I did it though. I didn't even bother to try and sit half lotus even. I got lazy for no reason, but to be passive aggressive - sleeping in, not holding posture...and I'm here assuming my cousin is being passive aggressive...I guess that's why I'm so pissed - I am passive aggressive and there you have it - I'm triggered by her response because it is a familiar tool in my arsenal.
Last night I waited until right before bed. It was fine. Nothing special to note.
I did learn over the past two sessions - I really do waste a lot of energy and space in my head on assuming the feelings and acting out the "what if" scenarios. Once I notice that's the case, I try to assume responsibility and move on. I know if I really want to figure out what's up with my cousin, I'm going to have to send her a private message and ask her what's up. I can't keep coming up with supposed scenarios. I mean, I can keep doing this, but it isn't getting me anywhere but crazy.