15 May 2011

Standing Witness

Life is interesting and certain - it ends not much longer after it begins. Sometimes it lasts a very short time and other times it can carry on for a century. Either way, the impact is felt by those standing witness. Standing witness to the joy felt when life takes her first breath - even though she is crying and in pain - Standing witness to the silence as life pushes out the final breath - collectively we feel. My friend is dying in hospital right now. He could be dead as I type these words. I don't know for sure. What I do know is that there isn't much a chance he'll come out of this trauma. I'm in a place of intrigue. I'm thinking about what I'm supposed to be feeling and I then think I should just let myself feel whatever it is I am feeling instead of analyzing the shit out of my own being. I just finished reading a Zen book after all.

I should just type and see what's coming up. There is some ebbing and flowing from emotional centered-ness. At least that's how I'm going to describe it - one minute I'm raking the leaves all zen, another minute I'm crying, and the next minute I'm giggling about some random memory. He had a great laugh. He was a little boy when he was giggling and shy. He could get angry and irksome too. Mixed feelings towards that man at times. I loved him and I at times hated him too. I am certain I love him more than I hated him. I remember a really great conversation we had. This conversation started after - in my opinion - a bit of an argument. I wanted to talk it out with him. I wanted to make sure that the illusion of work related bitterness didn't seed into our relationship. I saw him the day he died. I saw him at Tim Horton's. He sent me a text message while I was listening to music and studying for my boater exam. He asked me what I was doing. When I saw it was from him I looked straight up and there he was waiting in line. I was late getting to my appointment with the supervisor of my test (my friend, Rick). I gathered my book and music and went directly over to him and asked him what was going on and how he was and we shot the shit a little bit about work and if I was on my way there or what-have-you. I teased him about something or other and then I was on my way. He texted me again - ArrrrrRRrrrr, so ye like the sea, do ya? I wish I hadn't deleted that text.

Wherever you are my friend - I am blessed to have known you.

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