28 April 2011

Splash of Cold Water.

Where'd the 'real' go from my writing? I've been so caught up in ensuring that I write about reality TV and indie music so that the greatness of the art can be exposed and forgot about the greatness of reflective writing. I also forgot about the goodness of being vulnerable and honest. The last few posts are seeming kind of surface'y' and impersonal...fun to write nonetheless.

It's nearing 2am and sleep has eluded me for the past couple of hours. I found it initially after reading a few pages of Mindsight by Daniel Siegel. I'm into it. I'm interested. I'm a bit stuck in the beginning because I'm trying really hard to understand the little brain science he's introducing me to in the first part of the book. I will get through it, I guess I should keep in mind that this is a book of substance and not light literature or fiction. I should take my time with it and absorb it and understand it as best as I can all the while being gentle with myself because I really don't need to get it first time 'round. So, I fell asleep just after 11pm and woke just after midnight reciting all the things I neglected to do on my last day of work. I was beating myself up mentally because I decided to participate in an hour long activity with staff and youth instead of ensuring I filed a few loose papers, send one more e-mail, get the work request out, did that shift get covered, and damn it all I forgot to call so-and-so back. I tried all the breathing stuff I was certain I had mastered...anchor in your breath, count, review your entire day from beginning until you fall asleep, put my thoughts in an imaginary inbox for the morrow, until I finally got up out of bed and played online poker, checked out my stats, and finally read blog postings by friends - Inspiring! Wonderful! Honest reflections of their experiences were met with a thirst for real people living real lives and THAT's what I love to read about and THAT's what I love to write about - Thank you.

Forgetting to call someone back when I should have made the time to call back really fucked me up tonight. I didn't realize it until I was all the sudden awake in the middle of the night and here I am. I am not happy with myself right now. I was going to call and then I forgot (legitimately) and then I thought, later, I'll call later and then well and then I put it off again until I forgot until I was wide eyed in the earliest part of the day. I got my ass out of bed and sent this person an e-mail apologizing for not responding. I tend to beat myself up more than necessary over these things...I think it's because I know I should have called and there is nothing I can do to change it - only thing to do is accept what I didn't do and try and make a change in behaviours that keep me awake at night. But, if it was that important, they would have called back...it can't be all me, right?

Overall, my week has been great. I love it when I go through the 'e-motions' those things which cause us to find movement. I was so frustrated yesterday and today rocked my world. Life amazes me. And now I'm nearly ready to find my way upstairs to my bed for sleepy, sleepy time.

I guess the round about lesson for today is: don't stop being real - don't make writing work-related, leave it life-related and keep having fun with it. I was getting all stressed because the next indie rock playlist is out in less than a week and I hadn't finished the review for April yet and the Survivor update was definitely out later than it should have been for last week's episode and I started to feel disappointed...Jezus. Who cares about that stuff anyhow? I put too much stock in that kind of thing and get carried away...I should just focus on me and reading all these awesome books I shamelessly purchased in the last week.

Lightbulb - do I have PMS right now? am I engaging in negative thinking and overindulging in binge-like shopping for books? Now that's something to gnaw on and get over. "All behaviour has meaning" and that includes me. And btw self, good for you for taking the time to have fun at work. That's the point isn't it? :)

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