03 May 2010

Don’t Project on me (DPOM)

I finally understand what it means when people say, “Don’t project your shit on me (DPOM).” I mean I think they get it the same way I do - I could be wrong, but that’s not the debate right now. I did it again, I projected this mysterious ‘they’ person onto the wall and had a conversation with myself. By they, I mean me.
I see the DPOM highlighting in something like this. I kind of put it together in my head after attending the Dr. Gabor Mate lecture/conference/what-have-you event regarding When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress a few weeks ago and after thinking about the after work drink talk with friends (not colleagues) and the topic got a little heavy. All I could think was, 'there is something here - there is a conversation gem I’m going to find when I rewind my day and think about it.' I found it on my bike ride tonight with my dog, Moksha. I was thinking about how we try to 'take care of’ people by voicing what we think they might be thinking and/or feeling and/or so in the dark about who they are as people they have no idea and I have to tell them. Anyhow, people are people and deserve to be held accountable for their lives. I feel like I’m learning a magic trick almost every day.

I seem to find that some of these strategies work when I speak with people. We can really listen to the them. Gabor Mate’s books and the talk I heard helped me put a few puzzle pieces together. I might be totally twisting his thoughts and bending them in a direction I can follow - however, I think I’m getting to the same location relatively unscathed.

Okay, point being - I can’t believe I babbled on all that time. Okay, I really can - I’ve been doing it all day it feels. Okay, again - point being:

1. We aren’t really mad about what we are mad about - mad about what we say we are mad about that is. I can’t think of an example re: something that I’ve been mad about lately. Okay, here’s one: I show up to work and one of the guys I cross shift with isn’t super chipper and seemed to maybe have left with a slight of my person aura around him.

2. You are so ‘mad’ or caught up in a thought canyon that doesn’t want to listen to your intellectual reasoning and you end up having 2:14 am etched into your brain when the alarm - or ipod song choice of Lady Gaga’s “Starstruck” - sounds louder than you remember having set it for, reminds you that you must be up by 5:15 because you forgot to get gas afterwork and you might have to walk a little to get to the nearest station and make it to work by 7am. I’m tired.

3. You, hypothetically, arrive to work without a hitch only to find said ‘must be pissed at me for such and such (which I’ll address later) and it’s not warranted ‘cause he’s projecting’ man is chipper and happy and laughing and fun again.

4. Let’s say you get home from work after heavy conversation, unwinding from a work day with someone you love, and walking your dog - and you happen to think about adults being adults and loving themselves and others enough to let them take care of themselves and you can simply relax and care for them - and you realize... "Holy f-bomb, I can’t believe I was totally projecting on (insert coworker name) when I was the one that was not in positive/logical frame about them. I’m the jerk and I saw it in his eyes when I saw him for the first time after having the negativity swarm.”* It doesn’t matter what he thinks about me at any given time, it’s about what I think of me at all times.

5. Accepting that you are human and noting the lesson learned and making a promise to remember this chapter when it happens again - because it will.

More and more mad props (mad in a good way this time) to Francoise Mathieu and all her great work re: Compassion Fatigue. http://www.blogger.com/profile/08893009698188488202

Blessed be the people and the grounds at Haven on Gabriola Island, BC. Blessed is their communication model.

Come Alive with Linda Nicholls and David Raithby - Joanne and Graham - helped me pull myself from the mud with both my boots filling up but still on my feet.

Equally chilling in my mind is that I just finished reading - a couple days ago - a blog that I’m following called, “Seth’s Blog” and he had a similar lesson-like blog about this exact thing. Thanks Seth! It’s amazing how when we are ready for the teacher the challenge to understand is called into the ring. http://sethgodin.typepad.com/

* such and such = not agreeing with something he believed to be true because it went against my logical reasoning. Doesn’t mean I’m right, doesn’t mean he’s wrong, just means I was projecting.

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