26 May 2010

Oh the Wonderful, Glorious World of Procrastination

I can’t believe it. I am sitting here finally realizing my dreams, yet I take the long way to the end. I guess it feels like cheating really. I don’t do any work until the last possible second before not being able to finish on time.

I do this with everything I do. For example: Today, I was cleaning the house. i knew that my goals were to accomplish the questions for Chapter 10 Review, clean the house, take Moksha for a bike ride, and download music. I did it all - I just did it all within a long day instead of finishing everything within the two hours it could have taken me.

1. I didn’t get out of bed until 11am. I woke up at 930am. I turned on the computer and started checking all my RSS feeds. I think put the music on itunes, settled into the covers, adjusted my pillows, and got sucked into “bouncing balls” on facebook. This game will be the bane of my existence until I pass level 7. It is not possible - everyone comments about it’s impossibility, I am not alone. Maybe that’s why I play. I play because I don’t want to be alone in my struggles.


Okay, fine, I’m a procrastinator extraordinaire. I’m even typing up a “life explaining/self indulgent” blog to avoid doing homework! I’m going to go crazy in the month of June when I should be relaxing and studying for the final. It’s not even the middle of May yet and I’m already planning to be busy in June instead of accepting that the best option would be to get busy NOW so that if anything goes awry I will be able to still have time to finish.

I think I have ADD.

I’m not kidding. Would you like to hear about how I clean the house?

First, I make the bed when I wake up. Second, I set up the dishes and get my coffee ready to brew. I then go and use the washroom. I will get the cleaning supplies from the back room and then spray down the shower and toilet and sink. I close the door. I think about washing the dishes and enjoying my coffee when I get distracted by that Gad Dang “Bouncing Balls” game. Then I might find something interesting I have to either tweet or retweet or blog about or share on facebook. Then, I do the dishes and set goals before I can look at the computer again.

I started all the cleaning at 11am and did not finish until 1600hrs. Well, 1630hrs. I wanted to be done by 1600 because Boston was playing against the Flyers. Boston lost in OT after an exciting tie in the final thirty seconds of the regular game. So, what could have taken me maybe two hours, took me five and a half.

In that time I also called my boss to let her know some of the collective bargaining benefits and then I called “Leaf" who was working in the control room and then I called someone at the probation office to let them know what was going on for collective bargaining. I spoke with Linda a couple of times as well.

Now, I sit on the couch with Linda watching lame television and unable to concentrate on the school work in front of me. I will do the work - just on my own time. I hate that I start to get all anti-self when I procrastinate and then do that exact thing I hate. Argh. I realized ADD might be true when I was standing up at the counter playing with it and then slowly inching over to the dishes and drying my hands and then working on some review questions and the thinking I should dust upstairs leaving the dishes and then I put something in the garbage and realize I should take out the trash. I decide to gather all the garbage throughout the house and get side-tracked at my guitar for about fifteen minutes. I shake my head, take the garbage out and then finish the dishes. It’s like I try and trick myself into getting everything done all at once a little bit at a time.

Speaking of lame television - Medium: The Sixth Season. I hate Ariel Dubois. She annoys me. Her acting seems somewhat forced...or perhaps because she annoys me so much she is a really good actress. Anyhow, I was annoyed with this episode because it was all about Ariel. I had it figured out within the first five minutes and it took at least fifty minutes to get to the obvious. This is happening more and more with Medium. I wonder if they will be done soon. Ho hum, as much as I hate it, I love it at the same time. I look forward to it every Friday. Could it simply be Patricia Arquette? Stigmata - Patricia Arquette - Original Movie Photo Print - 8 x 10 I’m beginning to think so.

24 May 2010

Creativity linked to mental health

Creativity linked to mental health

I wonder how many collective, “duhs” are happening around the world right now. I like that they have done the study to prove this for creative types thinking they may be crazy...in fact it seems they almost are. I wonder where the thalamus regulation is tripped to allow the lowered D2 - or you know, whatever the article said. Okay, the question I have really is: Why are some afflicted with schizophrenia and others are gifted with creativity? I suppose both could be one in the same just expressed differently. There is another article I’m going to read on the actual study.

07 May 2010

6 months in open custody for Sask. driver who killed 3 teens

6 months in open custody for Sask. driver who killed 3 teens

I guess we never really get the entire story when we read the headlines and then the few paragraph explanation. If there was a joint submission from both Crown and Defence, my bet is that there are some underlying circumstances.
What is the cost for a human life? For three for that matter. If you know the answer, you should tell people.

06 May 2010

Indie Music’s awesome.

I love indie music. I love it. It’s so relaxed and tells such a nice story. I’m listening to “The French Semester” right now - they are so awesome. And this other band, they are called “Freelance Whales”.

Okay, crux of it is this:
I’ve finally taken a break from work - like a break you know. I’m doing a new job and it’s with the same kids and staff, but I’m taking a break. I was in it Monday through Friday - 8am until 430pm. I started to hate it. I really liked the kids and the job overall, but I was getting tired of the bureaucracy of it all. I was tired of trying out new things. I wanted an established routine with times and expectations laid out. I wanted to work with a team of people who all have the same job I do. I love it. That and I get five days off in a row after working four - yeah, they are 12 hour shifts granted, but then you are done your hours. I really don’t enjoy the night shifts, I do enjoy the seeming alone time when running control or monitoring - there is time to research information I really care about and to study. I can also write. I guess I could have done all that in my other job, but I was selfish. I wanted to have everything. I wanted to have days off with my partner so that we could enjoy full days off in a row instead of just one day one week and two days the next week. Now, we get way more time off together. And, I don’t have to do my homework or writing when we are together - it’s nice that I can if I want to though! Life is good.

So, I was going to write about how with a long break from the reality of the other job for about six months, I’m able to finally get to know myself again. I was so focused on trying to do the right job and make myself some duties I would love to take on, I just had to let that go - the job was becoming my identity and that was not good for me. I did discover that I actually like some hip hop and rap music. I like the beat and there is a lot of good out there. So, anyhow, when I got to know myself again, I realized that hip hop is NOT in fact my favourite genre of music. I like indie music that’s first, then maybe I don’t know yet - still getting to know who I am.

So, now I am getting to know my identity - if that makes any sense at all - and I do what I want and it’s working. I love my new job - it is just great. I work with the same youth, the same coworkers, and I have time for family and friends. It’s all happening. It’s all happening.

Another great album I downloaded - “The Bad Weather” - Horehound and their latest: Sea of Cowards. I love this album. There is one song that catches me every time I listen to it - Jack White makes the guitar sing like a person in tis own right. Unbelievable. I kind of feel like I should be in a weed cloudy room with a bunch of records out and cigarette butts piled high on a wooden coffee table - in one of those crazy old ceramic ashtrays that were so huge and they were never emptied until after the party. You knew it was a good party when the ashtray was emptied prior to the last guest leaving...not that smoking is acceptable anymore. However, when I listen to Sea Of Cowards (180 Gram Vinyl), I don’t feel like being acceptable.

05 May 2010

Another Gem from Dr. Mate


I tried the “share” thing offered on the website where I drew this information from. The article is primarily about the childhood epidemic of obesity. Very interesting read.

The more and more I read of Dr. Gabor Mate’s work, the more I really connect with what he has to say. This latest article is once again about bringing it back to our childhoods and hopefully bringing it back to the childhoods of our children in the here and now teaching us what we can do to lessen the effects of our own trauma, loss, parental depression, etc...so that the effects are not as reaching in our own children.

It’s not about blaming our parents or even their parents, or your parents - it’s about accepting that these things work in cycles and trying our best to deal with our “stuff” so we can take care of the generation right now.

I hope you get something from the article. I know I have.

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03 May 2010

Don’t Project on me (DPOM)

I finally understand what it means when people say, “Don’t project your shit on me (DPOM).” I mean I think they get it the same way I do - I could be wrong, but that’s not the debate right now. I did it again, I projected this mysterious ‘they’ person onto the wall and had a conversation with myself. By they, I mean me.
I see the DPOM highlighting in something like this. I kind of put it together in my head after attending the Dr. Gabor Mate lecture/conference/what-have-you event regarding When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress a few weeks ago and after thinking about the after work drink talk with friends (not colleagues) and the topic got a little heavy. All I could think was, 'there is something here - there is a conversation gem I’m going to find when I rewind my day and think about it.' I found it on my bike ride tonight with my dog, Moksha. I was thinking about how we try to 'take care of’ people by voicing what we think they might be thinking and/or feeling and/or so in the dark about who they are as people they have no idea and I have to tell them. Anyhow, people are people and deserve to be held accountable for their lives. I feel like I’m learning a magic trick almost every day.

I seem to find that some of these strategies work when I speak with people. We can really listen to the them. Gabor Mate’s books and the talk I heard helped me put a few puzzle pieces together. I might be totally twisting his thoughts and bending them in a direction I can follow - however, I think I’m getting to the same location relatively unscathed.

Okay, point being - I can’t believe I babbled on all that time. Okay, I really can - I’ve been doing it all day it feels. Okay, again - point being:

1. We aren’t really mad about what we are mad about - mad about what we say we are mad about that is. I can’t think of an example re: something that I’ve been mad about lately. Okay, here’s one: I show up to work and one of the guys I cross shift with isn’t super chipper and seemed to maybe have left with a slight of my person aura around him.

2. You are so ‘mad’ or caught up in a thought canyon that doesn’t want to listen to your intellectual reasoning and you end up having 2:14 am etched into your brain when the alarm - or ipod song choice of Lady Gaga’s “Starstruck” - sounds louder than you remember having set it for, reminds you that you must be up by 5:15 because you forgot to get gas afterwork and you might have to walk a little to get to the nearest station and make it to work by 7am. I’m tired.

3. You, hypothetically, arrive to work without a hitch only to find said ‘must be pissed at me for such and such (which I’ll address later) and it’s not warranted ‘cause he’s projecting’ man is chipper and happy and laughing and fun again.

4. Let’s say you get home from work after heavy conversation, unwinding from a work day with someone you love, and walking your dog - and you happen to think about adults being adults and loving themselves and others enough to let them take care of themselves and you can simply relax and care for them - and you realize... "Holy f-bomb, I can’t believe I was totally projecting on (insert coworker name) when I was the one that was not in positive/logical frame about them. I’m the jerk and I saw it in his eyes when I saw him for the first time after having the negativity swarm.”* It doesn’t matter what he thinks about me at any given time, it’s about what I think of me at all times.

5. Accepting that you are human and noting the lesson learned and making a promise to remember this chapter when it happens again - because it will.

More and more mad props (mad in a good way this time) to Francoise Mathieu and all her great work re: Compassion Fatigue. http://www.blogger.com/profile/08893009698188488202

Blessed be the people and the grounds at Haven on Gabriola Island, BC. Blessed is their communication model.

Come Alive with Linda Nicholls and David Raithby - Joanne and Graham - helped me pull myself from the mud with both my boots filling up but still on my feet.

Equally chilling in my mind is that I just finished reading - a couple days ago - a blog that I’m following called, “Seth’s Blog” and he had a similar lesson-like blog about this exact thing. Thanks Seth! It’s amazing how when we are ready for the teacher the challenge to understand is called into the ring. http://sethgodin.typepad.com/

* such and such = not agreeing with something he believed to be true because it went against my logical reasoning. Doesn’t mean I’m right, doesn’t mean he’s wrong, just means I was projecting.